I start my inpatient stretch today. I am anxious and feeling scared. What if I get sick, what if I make my elderly parents sick, what if we/I get quarantined? Mukta, take a deep breath, I tell myself. The fearful feelings return. Even I think, “What if I die?”
So I had end-of-life discussions with my parents. In my culture, it’s not easy to talk about death. My parents and I have never verbalized the exact words of what this means. I’ve already told my children my wishes. My dad said, “Look Mukta, if there is no hope for meaningful quality of life, don’t prolong anything. We don’t want any ritual ceremony or the traditional big mourning celebration [on the 13th day]. Each can mourn in their own way. You don’t have to go to the Ganges. You can disperse our ashes in the soil instead and let the flowers bloom.”
I expressed the same to my kids, telling them to have a party together, recollect my quirks and Mom-isms, and laugh. I’ve been questioning my worth and value and how I want to be remembered. What kind of legacy do I want to leave? What if this distant future is today or tomorrow?
I was so emotionally exhausted after that talk, but that was reality. To me, I want people to know you’re not alone. Just because I’m a doctor (or if you are a nurse, or a respiratory therapist or a physician’s assistant, or any health care professional), doesn’t mean I’m not scared (that we’re not scared). I’m very scared. But I’m also really hopeful.
My mom reassures and shares her belief, “Mukta this will calm down in a few weeks. So many people are praying. Our God is not such a cruel God. He is listening.”
I have begun watching the Ramayan (the Indian epic poem depicting the triumph of good and a message of light and hope in darkness) on YouTube again with Mom and Dad. We were watching it and crying tears of wonder and hope. What a wonderful opportunity to be with my family right now. Renewed hope and courage, and surrender.
Unconditional surrender. So easy to write about it but to really practice it, we have to bring our self to our happy place and find courage and faith. I am going to be ready. I’m going to carry my prayer stone in my pocket.
“The heart is like a garden: it can grow compassion or fear, resentment or love. What seeds will you plant there?” —Jack Kornfield
#REFLECT How will you tend to the garden of your mind, planting the seeds you want to see grow and weeding out the rest so that only the blooms you want emerge from your heart?
Thank you dear friend, I feel the love and prayers 🙏🏻
This one was hard for me when I read it. I think that we all, if we are honest, are frightened by this. You really opened your heart on this.